oh christ

i hate to take the Lord's name in vain in a negative manner but i hate Momzilla. i truly can't stand her. she is crazy and irrational and illogical and a psychopath or sociopath or something. this is not a joke or embellishment. she offered to take me to see BunBun this Saturday and now she is pissed about that. she offered to take Robo and i to his vet appointment next Saturday and now she is pissed about that. so what the fuck? why does she offer if she doesn't want to do it? i fucking hate flaky assholes who do shit like that and say one thing but don't want to deliver whenit comes time. it's like, "shut the fuck up!" hate. so much hate in my head right now.

i wrote a haiku about her once and called her the strange fruit that bore me but there is no part of me that is like her. nothing in my stellar personality resembles her. she is void of compassion and feelings in general. she is a sad sack. a sad sack. and i have no more pity or sympathy or empathy for this loathesome entity.

PYT

my friend at work, Daquiri, said i have beautiful hair! i like compliments but they make me feel funny! :s

new leaf

in the last few years i have worked hard at reshaping my attitude and treating others as i'd want to be treated. but those who have known me in that time couldn't forgive my past grievances. like nat and i broke up because he couldn't accept the kinder me answer forgive me for how horrible i used to be to him.
i feel that with my family it's different. i have tried to be respectful of them and polite because they're my elders. but they are obnoxious and abrasive.
in the case of Momzilla, i feel like since she was my only parent, she should've been a nuturing mother instead of a self-obsessed, self-centered bitch. since i had to rely on her growing up i feel she should've been there for me instead of always looking for the easy way out, always wanting to exit. i have always been told that my father is a loser and an asshole. so because i didn't have him, wouldn't that have inspired her to be a better parent? no. she's too self-destructive for that.
i understand that this living situation is less than ideal in her opinion, but why couldn't she try and make the best of a terrible situation? that's what i have to do everyday. that's what i have had to do everyday of my whole life. would it kill her to grow up?

well i haven't posted in about a week so i figured it was time to.
had a boring 4th.
felt gross and antisocial so i stayed home and did nothing.
i spoke to dell on the phone for a bit and that was it.
saw some fireworks on tv and wished i had a more interesting life.

went to work today.
came home and my mom's brother, his wife, and her sister are in town.
Momzilla was on in full force with older brother accompaniment.
i was very upset by something horrid they said to me while ganging up on me.
went to the bathroom, peed, cried briefly, washed up, grabbed the dog and left for awhile.
called joe and we talked.
he made me laugh and that was fun.
sometimes u need someone to just vent to that doesn't get all preachy on you.
today, joe didn't get all preachy on me.
i told him about the side effects the diet pill Alli has on some users and that was hysterical.
i'll post them here later.
very comical.

seriously working on eating right, walking a lot more and losing the weight.
danielle says she won't come with me to the wedding unless she loses the 10 lbs she wants to lose.
we both have to buckle down and get serious and lose the freakin weight.
i want this to be the last time in my life that i diet.
i want this to be the last time i worry about how much i weigh and how gross i look to others.
i want this to be the last time i am afraid to hop on a scale.

shit, they're back. more later.
:

death overkill

seriously!

bitch bitch bitch

Momzilla is on a roll being heinous as usual. she cannot hide her hatred for me. i wish she'd give me a break. she was nice to me the night i came home after finding out Scoots had died. now she's back to being wretched. i've been cleaning and vacuuming and it's just not good enough. she hates me. she told me yesterday that scorpios don't get along with capricorns. i had to show her where i had read that they do get along. and she still argued it saying i must not have a capricorn's personality. bullshit. and i have a few friends who are scorpios and we get along. they aren't "reprehensible bitches." something family members have called Momzilla.

my precious baby girl, Allegra "Scoots" Meadows passed away on Thursday (6/25/09) and here are some pix of her adorableness! (poems most likely to follow. i'm sad and it's slow going doing anything other than mentally zoning out. i've written some stuff that i'll try to post later for those who like my melancholy poetry. hah. but i wanted to post these pix. i miss my piggies terribly. BunBun is still alive and doing well and vicki says he is in good spirits currently.)